Don’t you hate knowing that every day, the government sends NSA agents to places you’ve visited to collect the DNA samples you’ve left behind? From the napkin thrown into the trash to the hair you left on the sink, your bio-data is being used to track your every movement and action for use in nefarious surveillance initiatives. Even worse, these government agencies often get in bed with Silicon Valley tech companies to create even more detailed profiles of each citizen, selling Facebook, Google, and Amazon biometric scans of your samples so they can use your hormone levels, gut bacteria count, and various secretions to better know what to sell and advertise to you.
#SwabSquad is a social movement designed to regain autonomy over our privacy and personal data by preventing the government and Big Tech from tracking our location and actions. Using biological scrambling and spatial encryption techniques, our central approach is to use voluntary saliva collection to create a crowd-sourced database of DNA which can then be utilized in all our daily lives. Our patented Gene Pods are effective, sanitary, and the perfect answer for a multitude of DNA based privacy measures, simply throw them in your pocket or backpack for on-the-go, bio-hacked security. Each Gene Pod is a small package made of biodegradable silicone and filled with our proprietary blend of NotYouGoo, a viscous liquid comprised of a dense blend of hundreds of other people’s saliva. Break open a Gene Pod and spread it around your personal belongings, workplace, or crime scene to ensure no one will be able tell you’ve been there, or rather, they won’t be able to isolate your DNA from hundreds of other people that could have potentially been there.
To sign up for #SwabSquad, you simply order one of our starter kits, swab your cheek, spit into the provided tube, and send us back your bio-data. We will then create a detailed scan of your DNA and upload your entire genome sequence into our unhackable cloud servers. This allows us to synthesize the NotYouGoo based on a random assortment of other members of the #SwabSquad — the more friends you get to sign up, the safer everyone is!
Other products in our line:
The front-line MVP in the fight for the 24/7 bio-hacked spatial encryption of your physical surroundings, the Iono Spritzer is a misting diffuser that uses NASA-developed technology to vaporize Its’ modular design ensures that you can use it in whatever way makes you feel safest. Put it on your office desk or bedroom nightstand so the Iono Spritzer can obfuscate the areas you spend the most time, or for ultimate protection, pair it with our comfortable head-mount and ensure that it follows you everywhere (so the government can’t). With just 5 minutes of use, a fine mist of gleaming protection will cover everything around it.
Pairing functionality with style, the Ono Personal Pendant is a necklace that contains multitudes. Each necklace has a handy glass vial of NotYouGoo that serves as an eye-catching conversation starter for those who care about communicating to and protecting those around them — the stranger that asks you about it is the next member of the #SwabSquad! But the ultimate purpose of the Ono Personal Pendant is an emergency supply that ensures you’re never caught without your bio-protection. Simply crack the vial open and spread the NotYouGoo as needed (however be careful not to cut yourself on the glass when you break the vial, we are not liable for your blood overloading the balance of DNA, nor for any medical issues that may result from the NotYouGoo entering your bloodstream. Also any news articles that claim to have evidence that ingesting NotYouGoo will cause near-instantaneous accrual of dozens of diseases are false and should be reported).
Finally our fun Tactical Dispensers ensure you can spatially encrypt even the most hard to reach places in your daily life. Each Tactical Dispenser is a discrete non-lethal firearm that uses DNA Darts as ammo, with both spring-loaded and gas-canister propelled options available. Each DNA Dart is tipped with a tiny Gene Pod that, upon impact, will spread the NotYouGoo across an approximately 5.5 ft radius. They’re also a hit with kids!
DIY Instructions and warnings:
If you care as much about #SwabSquad as we do, we encourage you to start your own DIY Databases for your local community! Simply collect saliva samples of at least four dozen individuals and deposit them into a large container such as a lidded vase, cooler, or other medical-grade, water-tight receptacles (available for purchase on our website). Once all the samples have been collected, fill the container with ordinary tap water until all samples are submerged. Close the container and allow the liquid to gestate for at least 14 days (DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW THE TEMPERATURE OF THE LIQUID TO EXCEED 98.5 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. IF YOU BELIEVE THE LIQUID MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY EXCEEDED THIS LIMIT, DO NOT OPEN THE CONTAINER. FIND YOUR NEAREST MORTUARY OR FUNERAL HOME AND REQUEST THEY INCINERATE THE CONTAINER. IF THEY WILL NOT, PURCHASE UNLEADED GASOLINE AND PRE-MIXED CONCRETE AND GO OUTSIDE CITY LIMITS. FIND A PATCH OF LAND SHELTERED FROM WIND AND DOUSE THE CONTAINER WITH THE FUEL. LIGHT THE FUEL FROM A SAFE DISTANCE. THE SOUND OF SCREAMING FROM WITHIN THE CONTAINER IS MERELY THE SOUND OF AIR PRESSURE EQUALIZING BETWEEN THE COOL INTERIOR AND HOT EXTERIOR OF THE CONTAINER. AFTER THE FIRE HAS BURNED DOWN AND YOU HAVE ENSURED THERE IS NO MOVEMENT AMONG THE EMBERS, COVER THE ASHES IN CONCRETE). After 14 days, your own #SwabSquad database is ready to go! Fill any of our products with your own blend and take pride in your privacy.