Monog-R-Us

For the final, I wanted to explore something that’s always bugged me about identity with regards to relationships — this idea if you can ever completely know someone, it would be your spouse. But is that true? Is that possible, to know someone else completely?

I always get freaked out by those horror stories of people in long marriages suddenly realizing that they have no idea who their spouse is — not in the sense that everyone changes, but in the sense that there was something hidden the whole time, some essential part of their nature that just hadn’t been expressed.

Assuming in a future where it’s possible to get a highly accurate profile of someone’s identity, could we leverage that technology to help them find the perfect match? A dating app that doesn’t rely on swipes or speed dating, but rather uses a huge database of users (ideally all people) and machine learning algorithms to optimize romantic pairing? Obviously I think in order to have enough data to accurately represent someone 100% digitally, we’d have to create a simulation of their universe. But I think we could get close, and even if we could do 98% accuracy, I think that would be leagues ahead of what we’re able to do with our traditional techniques of knowing others.

One sticky problem in this, however, is how do we quantify successful or good relationships? It seems like we have to rely on anecdotal and relative evaluations.

Ultimately I think it’s fun to imagine that the company producing this service has ulterior motives, and once they collect enough data about all these human identities and which relationships work between which types of people, they’ll be able to market their own solution — a personalized partner with a synthetic consciousness and a physical body perfectly suited to your desires.

Shadow August

For the Simulation Assignment, instead of trying to simulate something “I” would do in my daily life, I decided to simulate something the inverse of me would do.

My friends and I often joke that in an alternate universe there exists a “Shadow August” that’s a hedge fund manager, does a lot of coke, and exclusively drinks vodka-soylent cocktails. So I wanted to explore what that August might do for this assignment, and since he probably does a lot of day trading, he would want a cryptocurrency trading bot.

So I started learning about trading bots and did a lot of research on how I would actually go about doing that, and after a few hours of noodling around in python and node I realized a few things:

• I don’t understand how money works

• Buy low/ Sell High is very easy to implement in code and that code will almost always make you lose all your money.

• Linking a real world bank account to a script that could, if the code was wrong, execute thousands of orders in less time than it takes to press Ctrl-C, is very very scary.

• Bitcoin ended up tanking the week I was working on this code, which felt like a sign that I was either a genius for doing this now or an idiot that should stay very far away.

• There’s a reason this-universe-August does not day trade.

I was able to use Coinbase’s Sandbox API to create some code in Node that allowed me to practice getting market data and use the data to execute buys/sells of my BTC, but I wasn’t able to tweak the algorithm to make it work flexibly in a volatile trade environment, so I stopped before putting real money on the line.

I also like the interesting twist that if this bot actually worked well and I made a ton of money, I would want to focus more of my efforts in this realm, potentially eventually morphing into Shadow August, the very thing I thought would be my opposite…. Who would I be then????

#SwabSquad

Don’t you hate knowing that every day, the government sends NSA agents to places you’ve visited to collect the DNA samples you’ve left behind? From the napkin thrown into the trash to the hair you left on the sink, your bio-data is being used to track your every movement and action for use in nefarious surveillance initiatives. Even worse, these government agencies often get in bed with Silicon Valley tech companies to create even more detailed profiles of each citizen, selling Facebook, Google, and Amazon biometric scans of your samples so they can use your hormone levels, gut bacteria count, and various secretions to better know what to sell and advertise to you.

#SwabSquad is a social movement designed to regain autonomy over our privacy and personal data by preventing the government and Big Tech from tracking our location and actions. Using biological scrambling and spatial encryption techniques, our central approach is to use voluntary saliva collection to create a crowd-sourced database of DNA which can then be utilized in all our daily lives. Our patented Gene Pods are effective, sanitary, and the perfect answer for a multitude of DNA based privacy measures, simply throw them in your pocket or backpack for on-the-go, bio-hacked security. Each Gene Pod is a small package made of biodegradable silicone and filled with our proprietary blend of NotYouGoo, a viscous liquid comprised of a dense blend of hundreds of other people’s saliva. Break open a Gene Pod and spread it around your personal belongings, workplace, or crime scene to ensure no one will be able tell you’ve been there, or rather, they won’t be able to isolate your DNA from hundreds of other people that could have potentially been there.

To sign up for #SwabSquad, you simply order one of our starter kits, swab your cheek, spit into the provided tube, and send us back your bio-data. We will then create a detailed scan of your DNA and upload your entire genome sequence into our unhackable cloud servers. This allows us to synthesize the NotYouGoo based on a random assortment of other members of the #SwabSquad — the more friends you get to sign up, the safer everyone is!

Other products in our line:

The front-line MVP in the fight for the 24/7 bio-hacked spatial encryption of your physical surroundings, the Iono Spritzer is a misting diffuser that uses NASA-developed technology to vaporize  Its’ modular design ensures that you can use it in whatever way makes you feel safest. Put it on your office desk or bedroom nightstand so the Iono Spritzer can obfuscate the areas you spend the most time, or for ultimate protection, pair it with our comfortable head-mount and ensure that it follows you everywhere (so the government can’t). With just 5 minutes of use, a fine mist of gleaming protection will cover everything around it. 

Pairing functionality with style, the Ono Personal Pendant is a necklace that contains multitudes. Each necklace has a handy glass vial of NotYouGoo that serves as an eye-catching conversation starter for those who care about communicating to and protecting those around them — the stranger that asks you about it is the next member of the #SwabSquad! But the ultimate purpose of the Ono Personal Pendant is an emergency supply that ensures you’re never caught without your bio-protection. Simply crack the vial open and spread the NotYouGoo as needed (however be careful not to cut yourself on the glass when you break the vial, we are not liable for your blood overloading the balance of DNA, nor for any medical issues that may result from the NotYouGoo entering your bloodstream. Also any news articles that claim to have evidence that ingesting NotYouGoo will cause near-instantaneous accrual of dozens of diseases are false and should be reported).

Finally our fun Tactical Dispensers ensure you can spatially encrypt even the most hard to reach places in your daily life. Each Tactical Dispenser is a discrete non-lethal firearm that uses DNA Darts as ammo, with both spring-loaded and gas-canister propelled options available. Each DNA Dart is tipped with a tiny Gene Pod that, upon impact, will spread the NotYouGoo across an approximately 5.5 ft radius. They’re also a hit with kids!

DIY Instructions and warnings:

If you care as much about #SwabSquad as we do, we encourage you to start your own DIY Databases for your local community! Simply collect saliva samples of at least four dozen individuals and deposit them into a large container such as a lidded vase, cooler, or other medical-grade, water-tight receptacles (available for purchase on our website). Once all the samples have been collected, fill the container with ordinary tap water until all samples are submerged. Close the container and allow the liquid to gestate for at least 14 days (DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW THE TEMPERATURE OF THE LIQUID TO EXCEED 98.5 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT. IF YOU BELIEVE THE LIQUID MAY HAVE ACCIDENTALLY EXCEEDED THIS LIMIT, DO NOT OPEN THE CONTAINER. FIND YOUR NEAREST MORTUARY OR FUNERAL HOME AND REQUEST THEY INCINERATE THE CONTAINER. IF THEY WILL NOT, PURCHASE UNLEADED GASOLINE AND PRE-MIXED CONCRETE AND GO OUTSIDE CITY LIMITS. FIND A PATCH OF LAND SHELTERED FROM WIND AND DOUSE THE CONTAINER WITH THE FUEL. LIGHT THE FUEL FROM A SAFE DISTANCE. THE SOUND OF SCREAMING FROM WITHIN THE CONTAINER IS MERELY THE SOUND OF AIR PRESSURE EQUALIZING BETWEEN THE COOL INTERIOR AND HOT EXTERIOR OF THE CONTAINER. AFTER THE FIRE HAS BURNED DOWN AND YOU HAVE ENSURED THERE IS NO MOVEMENT AMONG THE EMBERS, COVER THE ASHES IN CONCRETE). After 14 days, your own #SwabSquad database is ready to go! Fill any of our products with your own blend and take pride in your privacy.